20 things black people EVERYWHERE, space included, really, really like


20 things black people EVERYWHERE, space included, really, really like

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Lillian Cannon’s fried chicken. (Michael Henninger/Pittsburgh Post-Gazette/TNS)

I, Amelia Robinson, a representative of black people EVERYWHERE, including space, would like to give non-black people EVERYWHERE, including space, a few tips about what black people EVERYWHERE, including space really, really like.

This important and useful list was not devised lightly.

We talked about this very subject at the the last intergalactic meeting of BEWARE (Black People Everywhere Including Space).

Surely you’ve heard of BEWARE. All black people, regardless of nationality, religion, gender, sexual orientation, home country or planet, hold memberships. Toasters and “Black Cards” are distributed at birth.

There are similar organizations for Asians, LGBTQs, women, Latinos, elves, left-handed people, Irish, people from the part of Michigan that looks like a thumb, etc., etc. Some people hold memberships to multiple organizations

BEWARE has quarterly meeting where platforms — things we all believe, think, say or do — are decided by an up or down vote. Counting takes hours, but there are free collard greens.

Most BEWARE members attend meetings in person, but others stick their tongues in their cheeks and conference call in.

The blacks on Saturn are notorious conference callers, as they never have enough PTO days to get to Earth and back for one of these required meetings.

Anyway. At the last BEWARE meeting, we decided the list of things below should be added to the long list of things black people really, really like.

Warning: some BEWAREs will deny that they like these things. LIES!

They are simply trying to keep you away from the truth.

Considered this leaked information from BPleaks. It is like Wikileaks, but for black people stuff.

Here’s that list:

1) When someone points out you are the only black person in a room.

2) Having our hair ruffled (get in there).

3) Being compared to a character from a 1970s sitcom.

4) Hearing about all the rap songs our white friends like.

6) Discrimination (BEWAREs love this the most).

7) Jive talk (“my main man,” “what’s up, dawg,” “girlfriend,” etc.).

8) Being asked about O.J. (we like it because we all know he was guilty).

9) Hearing the phrase “I can’t be a racist, I have black friends.”

10) The assumption that you got to college on an athletic scholarship.

11) The assumption that you like fried chicken, watermelon or chitterlings.

12) The assumption that you can dance, sing or shoot craps.

13) Being a suspect when you are not being suspicious.

14) Redlining (it’s the absolute BEST!).

15) When people acknowledge the FACT that all black people know each other (“You know Jim, he’s black”).

16) Not being seen as an individual, but as part of a Borg-like collective (See “Star Trek” for more on The Borg).

17) When white people ask if they can use the N-word (ALWAYS a totally good idea).

18) Getting in deep talks about Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” with strangers.

19) The assumption that you are on the public dole (EVERY last one of us is).

20) Jive turkeys.

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