The secret life of Tigger ain’t so secret

Oh, Hollywood.

I love an animal talking/thinking like a human cartoon or live action movie as much as the next person, but on behalf of my nearly 20-pound cat Tigger, I am offended.

Full disclosure, I have not seen Illumination Entertainment’s “The Secret Life of Pets” yet.

But from what I’ve seen from the trailers, this sure to be hit is filled with inaccurate depictions of a pet’s life.

I don’t need to strap a GoPro to Tigger’s gibbles ( our name for the swishing chubby that hangs from his belly) to know that Tigger doesn’t spend his day saving the day.

There is nothing secret about his life.


Tigger’s weekdays are filled with the following activities:

Watching bird from the window and thinking about wet cat food

— Making that noise when birds do not fly into mouth

Craving wet cat food but settling for dry food

— Encouraging female human to rise for Tigger feeding time

Being misunderstood

Amelia Robinson's cat Tigger has a bunch of secrets.

— Reclaiming humans as Tigger’s and Tigger’s along through a series of head butts and cheek rubs (#glands)

— Pets, pets, pets

Lapping water from the shower walls (second only to rain puddle water in taste and bacteria)

— Screaming and/or nipping at the female human to be released into the wild AKA the back porch

— Watching through screen door as as female human replenishes wet cat food bowl and demanding to be allowed back in to feast

Making use of the litter box

Sleeping while the humans are hopeful out procuring new stores of wet cat food and catnip

— Practicing bird calls

Chloe (LAKE BELL) is a fat cat who can't be bothered, unless you have food, in Illumination Entertainment and Universal Pictures' "The Secret Life of Pets," a comedy about the lives our pets lead after we leave for work or school each day. (Illumination Entertainment/Universal Pictures)

— Savoring toilet bowl water when possible (this rare treat trumps shower wall water and rain puddle water when it comes to spice and aroma)

— Being yellow and proud

— Listening for the mailman, but taking no action

— Jumping on and off the bed

— Worrying about the possibility of maybe seeing the bottom of the food bowl in a few days (is starvation around the corner?)

— Cleaning face and gibbles thoroughly

— Making use of the litter box again

— Waiting patiently for female and male human to return from there (is this the day the birds finally get them?)

— Pets, pets, pets

— Nipping female human until she allows exploration into the yard

— Demanding wet cat food (if you only had a taser)

— Smelling all the flowers to ensure freshness and making note of signs of animal trespassers

— Stalking around the yard for dumb and/or slow critters (why are they so fast?);

— Pretending not to notice dogs as they pass by fence with leashed humans

A growing Tigger needs his rest

— Thinking of ways to escape the yard (curse the swaying gibbles and the female human’s swiftness)

— Kneading cat bed

— Relaxing in cat bed

— Re-kneading cat bed

— Gibble massage

— Using supreme Tiggerness to convince male human that female human has not provided an ample amount of wet cat food for growing Tigger’s gibbles

— Enjoying wet cat food

— Cuddling on the couch with humans

— Stretching out

— Pets, pets, pets

— Showing off clean gibbles and re-cleaning said gibbles (clean gibbles is close to godliness)


— Chasing the awful red dot and/or dangerous aggressive feather

— Taking up most of the bed

— Sleeping and repeating.

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